Here's an interesting question from more than one subscriber to the CatholicMatch Institute's e-newsletter:
Is sexual intimacy with your date acceptable if you are no longer able to have children?
This is a viable question. Especially after losing a spouse to death or divorce, people want to have sex because it's fun, it makes them feel desirable and attractive, and they were already used to having sex when they were married. So, what is the big deal, right?
Well, I guess it all comes down to your perspective on sex... is sex something you want for yourself, or is it something you want to give to someone, like a gift? Let's take a look at why that distinction is important.
We all want to be loved because we were created for love. This goes all the way back to Adam in the Garden of Eden. God provided Adam with everything he could ever want or need, but he was still lonely. He didn't desire just any old companion, he needed someone he could love, someone he could talk to and cherish, someone he could become one flesh with. Because of this, God created Eve as a gift for Adam.
So, by its very nature, sex is intended to be a gift, but the gift of sex involves giving yourself totally—heart, mind, body, and soul, and to give this gift to someone you are not committed to in an exclusive and permanent relationship only cheapens it.
The gift of sex is intended for a man and a woman who have pledged themselves to each other for life. When you have sex outside of this exclusive and permanent relationship, you begin using each other's bodies for your own pleasure, which is the opposite of what God intended the joy of sex to be. You become a user instead of a giver, where the giving of the gift turns instead into taking an object (someone else's body) and using it for your own gratification. Under these circumstances, a woman is not giving her body as a gift to the man, she is using his body for her own pleasure and vice versa. Each person has an intrinsic dignity and should be the subject of someone's love, not treated as an object. But when you have sex outside of marriage, the intended subject of someone's love becomes an object of desire. Objectifying someone is a distortion of love, which only seeks self-gratification.
If you want to know what a couple's life will look like when they are married, all you need to do is observe the way they treat each other when they are dating. If they are selfish and lazy in a dating relationship that is still new and has some romance in it, they will behave the same way in marriage, only they will have a harder time dealing with each other because the element of romance will rapidly fade and the honeymoon always comes to an end. At that point, they are left with having to accept each other as they find a way to stay together through life's challenges.
Here is my suggestion: Instead of falling into this same trap as so many people do, I invite you to begin a habit with your dates that is something a lot of people never do... turn the tables around and start focusing on how you can be a giver in your dating relationships. If sexual intimacy must be reserved for marriage, how else can you be a giver to your date? It is important to know how to shower a date with affection in a non-sexual way. So, instead of looking at this as the door to sex being closed, look at it as hundreds of other doors that lead to fun and romance opened wide, waiting for you to pass through.
For example, bring her flowers, or send him an encouraging text before he heads into a morning meeting. Write her a love note, or if you live far away from each other, send him a care package. There are endless ideas for ways to show your date your affection and the bonus is, these actions build trust and an intimacy that strengthens your relationship.
I love receiving your questions and comments, so please, keep them coming to [email protected].
