I Quit CatholicMatch for God
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I'm leaving my job at CatholicMatch because I fell in love.
My love story, as well as my CatholicMatch story, both begin with a break-up. Shocking, I know.
But sometimes painful times open up the door to what you've been always waiting for.
Yeah, that sounds like such a cliché, but let me explain ...
I broke up with a guy that I thought I was going to marry. Now, I was in my early 30s with no direction and no motivation to put my heart out there again. As a writer, I just wanted to gush all the emotions on paper and actually say out loud hey, break-ups really stink!
With all my vulnerability and heart strings out there on the world wide web, I was happy to receive some reassuring comments, promises of future blind dates and even an email from an editor asking me if I would be willing to write more blog posts for single and dating Catholics for the CatholicMatch blog.
Huh? Wait what?
First of all I'm never doing online dating. I will meet my spouse in a romantic way like our grocery carts will accidentally crash in the pickle section ... And secondly, CatholicMatch has a blog? What do they even do there?
Well, of course I was intrigued. And of course I said yes. And continued to pour my heart out in writing about the woes of a why-am-I-a-still-single Catholic? I wrote about Valentine's Day alone ... again; my best friend got married and of course I am happy, but I am also really sad; to worrying if I am going to be single forever?
And then one day I got an email from the founder of CatholicMatch. He wanted to chat about what other things I would be interested in doing for CatholicMatch ... and we talked for two hours straight.
I guess I didn't realize that I had such a passion, but everything that I believed and felt strongly about came spilling out in that initial conversation with Brian.
Why am I the only single Catholic in my church?
I believe there is such a need in the Church for single Catholics. We sit in the pews on Sundays and feel like we are the only ones our age that actually go to Church. We feel alone and left out of parish activities. There is such a need for a parish revival. Young families need single people. Single people need families. Younger members need the wisdom of the older couples and widows. These groups shouldn't be separated, but should come together to build a true sense of community life. We have the fullness of the faith, but maybe there is something that we could learn from our Protestant brethren about fellowship and outreach.
And I just kept talking ... and what about good content for how to date? There is nothing out there for Catholics. I'm not a big fan of The Rules book, I like Zoe Foster's Textbook Romance and He's Just Not That Into You, but Catholics have to read these books with a grain of salt. What about something true, and beautiful and good for dating Catholics?
I had big dreams and lots of ideas.
But Brian wanted to know my dedication. He said, "I appreciate your passion, but if you meet the man of your dreams tomorrow, will you still have the same zeal for helping Catholic singles?"
Of course. Those feelings of doubt, worry and uncertainty I would always know. Even if I was to one day get married. I would always understand the ache of the single heart. And no matter what my state in life was, I wanted to help fill that need in the Church.
And so began my plunge with working for CatholicMatch and the CatholicMatch Institute. The CatholicMatch staff became my family. And a real relationship began to blossom with all the single Catholics who visited the site.
I poured my heart out in the weekly newsletters and tried to connect on a real level. I would read the responses from so many members. Some wrote back with fun and witty responses, many didn't agree with me and wrote back angry emails or just needed a place to vent. And many of the stories shared over email were just plain heartbreaking.
This is where I learned the rawness and the heartbeat of the CatholicMatch members. This is where I learned the hopes, the brokenness, the needs, the worries, and the endurance of single Catholics. This is where we could write back and listen and acknowledge. Yeah, it is hard to be single and not know where your life is going, but thank God I'm not journeying alone.
Every Friday I would go to Eucharistic adoration and I would bring many of your prayer intentions with me in that hour. I knew the struggle because I struggled too. I knew the worry because I worried if I would be single forever? And I started to wonder what am I doing wrong?
I'm still single. What am I doing wrong?
Even though I worked for CatholicMatch I really didn't practice what I preached. I had a stagnant profile, I wasn't that active on the site and I was very traditional—maybe a better word is stubborn—in the ways that I wanted men to contact me.
I will admit that it was shocking for me to uncover the very specific preferences that I had in my mind for a perfect date. I had been writing articles about not being too picky or the importance of broadening your horizons, but meanwhile I wanted a Catholic, educated, singing athlete that must be taller than me. Those rules about being too picky don't apply to me of course.
I don't know what changed, abandonment I suppose, but suddenly I realized that I wasn't really open to God's will as I had said I was all those years. I had a very detailed idea of what my future would look like. I wanted to be married with a bunch of kids, so if there is something outside that box I'm not really interested. I thought I was open, but when God presented something outside of my neat little picture I actually wasn't okay with it and stopped listening for a while.
Just kidding, I'm okay with being single.
On the other hand, I realized that being single wasn't all that bad. I owned my own home. I owned my own business. I go on European excursions once a year. We drink good wine and have fun together. I have a full and fun family life. I am content. Lonely, sometimes, but content.
The independence and the pretty package that I made for myself started to cramp out the possibility of a life of self gift. I didn't realize it, but my full schedule and selfish lifestyle was actually moving me away from what I had always wanted: to give my heart fully to someone in marriage.
Dating takes too much time. I don't really have time to find a husband. Besides, it should be organic and natural. I shouldn't have to put in the work to find my soulmate. We'll find each other.
Yes, that sounds nice and all, but that's like saying the lawn will be magically mowed by the lawn fairies or my body will be perfectly toned just by buying a gym membership.
"Anything worth doing, is worth doing badly." ~G.K. Chesterton
Yes, I was doing online dating badly. But instead of trying to make it perfect why don't I just try to actually make it work? Why not actually put into practice what I was asking all these members to do?
Actually, no I'm not ok.
So I logged in ... every week. I added new pictures. I reached out to people that I thought were interesting and I fought the urge to throw the computer out the window when I didn't get any responses. I had only been active with this online dating thing for a few weeks and there was no way I could have the endurance to keep this up if I wasn't going to ever get a response.
I pouted. Online dating is hard. How can I be the encouraging voice every week if I'm struggling with it myself? But I guess that struggle was what resonated with the members anyway.
I dated. And learned more about myself. I started to be open and really reflect on the resources that we were making for single Catholics. Are they helpful? Would I use this myself? Am I learning from what this guide is telling me to do? I was finally open to hearing my own message.
The true desires of my heart
I waited for so long for something to just happen in my life. I didn't want every day to look the same. I wanted movement. I wanted progress. I wanted change. And with that openness, I finally opened the door just enough that God could actually come into my heart.
It was then that I discovered what my true desires were.
I read a few lines from Duino Elegies, a collection of ten elegies (a poem of serious reflection), written by the Bohemian-Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke of a man searching and wrestling with the questions of his human existence. A man who was faced with suffering, who was so close to grasping Truth, but something held him back. His own thoughts got in the way of a transcendent love and a freedom and explanation of the cross.
"A wave rose toward you out of the past or a violin offered itself as you passed an open window,These were instructions, your mission.
But could you perform it?
Weren't you always distracted waiting for something as if all this was announcing a lover's arrival?"
I know we've all had that longing. That desire for something more. Something to fulfill those inner desires instead of always asking, "is this it? Is this all there is?" That desire to do something great. To be a part of something bigger than us. It is a powerful whisper that we can decide to listen to or just pass us by assuming we can get back to it later. Maybe something is in the way of grasping that moment. My latest addiction, pleasure or fear. Or for me it was the comfort of my current house, job, and good living.
When we are comfortable we don't recognize a need for anything. We think: “I’m fine.” I actually don’t mind being single. So we don’t really make the efforts to find a spouse or whatever it is God is calling us to do. It’s easy to get stuck in this place. So when God puts a desire on our heart for something more it is actually a gift.
A chance for something more
I had it all, but for some reason it wasn't enough. I wanted more.
There was an emptiness in my heart that I was trying to fill, but nothing in my life at that time would satisfy that inner longing. Not dating, not houses, not careers.
What I did know is that I could stay in my comfortable life and be content or I could go outside my comfort zone and grow.
This small inkling in my heart was a moment of grace. It was an invitation. And so I went on a search for something more. And found answers to why my heart was never satisfied.
"Virginal love on the other hand is by nature non-exclusive, unlimited. It relives the very self-giving of Jesus which combines individuality with warmth, intensity, and universality. The virginal heart is a large heart, too large to be satisfied in focusing on one man or woman." ~Fr. Thomas Dubay, S.M., "And You Are Christ's"
Finally it made sense. The Hound of Heaven was indeed pursuing me, but for his own heart.
Jesus was asking me to be his spouse. (I share more about my discernment journey in another post. Click here to read it.)
My happy ending as I never imagined it
And so it is with great joy that I share with you my acceptance to novitiate with the Franciscan Sisters of the Eucharist. I will become a religious sister with the Franciscan Sisters of the Eucharist at the end of May.
No, this isn't the usual Cinderella moment with the fairytale ending, but in fact, it is something much, much greater. A joy and happiness that I could never achieve on my own.
“All which I took from thee I did but take, Not for thy harms, But just that thou might’st seek it in My arms.” ~Francis Thompson, Hound of Heaven
My story started with a break-up. It was a painful time that set my life in motion to the possibility of something more. No, my story isn't like the other success stories that you read on this website, but what I can offer is my process to being open to God's surprises.
Love is a choice. God is inviting us to our fulfillment. He will never impose upon us. He gently invites. It is our choice to listen.
Brian asked me if I will continue to be dedicated to single Catholics even after I am married. Entering into discernment of being married to Jesus brings my presence to single Catholics into a whole new level. We are united in the Eucharist. It is where we draw our strength. It is where we find our hope. And it is from Jesus in the Eucharist that we can find our way, even when the path seems dark. You will always have a very dear place in my heart. Please pray for me and know that I will be praying for you.
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I am also happy to announce that we found a wonderful replacement for the managing editor position at the CatholicMatch Institute.
Please join me in welcoming Cecilia Pigg!
Find Your Forever.
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