I was in labor with my fourth child when I had my first panic attack. I was lying on the bed in triage, calmly answering routine questions from the nurse. However, in my mind, I was fretting about the delivery, remembering the rapid arrival of our previous daughter. Worry got the best of me and my whole body started to go numb. I managed a feeble, “Um, excuse me, something’s wrong.” The nurse looked concerned as I explained, “I think I’m just nervous.” Luckily the nurse was reassuring and my panic attack passed in a few seconds. I really thought nothing of it.
Fast forward six months and I was again at the hospital but this time having a full blown panic attack but without a sympathetic nurse.
Two days prior, my family had been struck with a stomach virus. I had a particularly bad case. Due to dehydration, my arms began painfully cramping and I went numb. My husband called 9-1-1 and I was admitted to the hospital.
What should have been a one-hour rehydration visit became a six-hour ordeal. I could not calm down and I was hyperventilating. The lack of oxygen was causing my body to remain cramped. I was frantically yelling to anyone who would pass, “Can you please help me?” I truly felt out of control but I did not care. I just wanted someone to make the pain go away.
My poor husband tried his best to calm me but the gruff nurse would just yell back, “You have got to calm down!” They could not give me anti-anxiety medicine because I was still nursing my baby.
Finally I asked the nurse, “Can you please count with me?” The nurse started counting with me. "1, 2, 3..." In a short time, I was able to finally calm down. They gave me Benadryl and I slept.
When I awoke, I was my smiley-self leaving the hospital. But unfortunately I was not the same. Panic attacks are now my body’s go-to reaction for stress, anxiety, and grief.
In the context of marriage, a spouse can make these episodes infinitely better with the correct support. My husband is no stranger to anxiety and we do the following to help each other during hard times.
Pray together. Try to find a prayer specific to your anxiety. Pray to St. Joseph for a job hunt, or the Divine Mercy for a lost loved one. Do a novena to St. Rita for an impossible situation. Say an Act of Hope every day.
Pray for each other. If your spouse has an important meeting, say a prayer. If your spouse is having a hard day with the kids, say a prayer. Offer your day for each other. Let each other know that you are seeking heaven’s help on their behalf.
Listen. Sometimes you can’t fix the problem. Sometimes you can’t make your spouse feel better. Just listen. Let them talk over and over and over.
Communicate with your spouse. Ask how you can help reduce stress or suffering in their lives. Every person and situation will be different. Finding what works can give a much needed lifeline. If you are suffering or feeling stressed, let your spouse know. Suffering in silence will bring you both down when together you can raise each other up.
Sacrifice. Sometimes when your spouse is suffering, you’ll have to take over some extra responsibilities. Offer to clean the dishes. Offer to put the kids to bed at night. Encourage them to get out of the house for a walk, or a trip to adoration.
Put aside feelings of resentment. Although you may know your spouse is suffering from something that has nothing to do with you, feelings of inadequacy may creep in. Push them aside. The feeling of “Aren’t I good enough?” or “I’ve been doing so much” will only drive a wedge where your spouse needs you most.
Physical touch. The security behind a hug, a pat on the back, an acknowledgement of the way your spouse is feeling means so much without saying a thing.
Let beauty lift your soul. Listen to an opera. Watch an inspirational movie. Visit an art museum. Go outside. Let the beauty of God’s creation free you from stress, even if only temporarily.
Encourage your spouse to seek professional help if needed. Some anxiety can work itself out over time. Others cannot. Help your spouse discern if they need professional help.
Compassion literally means "to suffer together." Be there for your spouse and work together to get through whatever hard times you are enduring right now. Bring your trials to Christ remembering, “I can do all things in him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).
