If you're like me, you are wondering how can you have eight kids one right after another and still look as fabulous as Danielle, 35! She says her secret is: "With eight babies there's never time to sit down. Ever!"
Matt and Danielle met on CatholicMatch—then called St. Raphael.net—in 2002. They were married on March 1, 2003, in Peter and Paul Byzantine Catholic Church in Bethlehem, PA. I talked with Danielle about the joys and challenges of being married and having eight children ages 12, 11, 10, 8, 6, 4, 2 1/2 and 10 months. She also threw in some great advice for members seeking spouses.
You have been married 13 years! What have been the unexpected joys and challenges of being married?
I cannot believe that it has been 13 years already! The days can be long but the years have flown by. For me, the unexpected challenges of being married would include really getting to know the other person. I have learned that Matt and I have very different perspectives on the same things—we come at things from two very different viewpoints. I used to take offense at this, thinking that he just didn't care or understand my view, but now I know that he is simply coming at it from a different perspective. I process and react faster, so I had to learn—and always have to remember—to slow down and let him catch up.
I know he has also learned to change his approach with reacting to me. It’s funny because a lot of times we'll eventually realize that we both had the same thoughts, intentions, and goals, but we just came at them from opposite ends—thus throwing each other off at the beginning. As different as we are, we are very much alike as well, especially in matters of faith and family.
The joys hit you out of nowhere, make you smile, and remind you of how blessed you are. For me, the unexpected joys are in Matt’s random acts of kindness like when he brings me nachos and a milkshake (pregnancy cravings!) without asking if I want them, stays late in the morning so I can have an hour extra of sleep after a long night, or buys me an hour of house cleaning services! This shows me that he truly knows me and that he is thinking about me!
Also, the comfort of knowing that he is really my teammate and that we are in this together is a joy I never expected. The assurance that we are there for each other, no matter how hard the struggle of the moment might be, is an overwhelming blessing in and of itself.
I know that no matter how rotten I may have been to him that morning, he is still coming home, and we are still going to work as a team to accomplish our goals of raising up a bunch of little saints for heaven! And of course, the children bring their own set of joys each and every day.
For me, the most difficult time being married was around the first year mark. I am wondering if there was a time when you and Matt struggled, if so how did you cope?
I have found that different struggles hit us at different times. Sometimes we can see them coming and other times they just hit out of nowhere. Yes, our first year was difficult. It was the first time I was ever away from home, and suddenly I was married and living three hours from all of my family and friends. By the time our first anniversary arrived, we had a one-month-old to celebrate it with! We were still trying to learn how to be newlyweds, and, suddenly, we were learning how to be parents. I was very homesick, and Matt’s job was not paying all of our new bills, so we were stressed and at the same time trying to figure out how the other one deals with their stress.
We prayed a lot, said Novenas (St. Joseph seems to be our go-to), and really tried to follow God's will. Soon, Matt found a much better job, which happened to be much closer to where I grew up and in a more affordable area. Life settled down a bit, but almost right away, I found out I was expecting again…and then again right after that. Then the struggle of having three babies under two began!
I used to joke and say that there was a lot of crying in our house, but eventually, Matt and I stopped crying and decided to just embrace the craziness. Through the years, we have moved, changed jobs again, welcomed more children, had various health crises, and just dealt with life in general.
Now we are more in tune with how the other copes with stress and we can read each other better, which gives us a huge advantage and usually helps us get through things without major meltdowns. We still pray together a lot. We also have ways of escaping—I'll go shopping for an hour by myself, and he does Crossfit.
How has having children brought you closer? Has it been difficult to have eight children close in age—or does it get easier because they have companions?
Having children has brought us closer because we truly are relying on the other for survival! Seriously though, sleepless nights, colicky babies, two-year-old and pre-teen tantrums, stressed out homeschool mom, long days at work and longer evenings at home can put real stress on a marriage no matter how many children you have.
Again, the little acts of kindness toward each other help us stay close and connected. And having someone to celebrate each first step, princess tea parties, and touchdowns and goals is a blessing.
Just about everyone we meet tells us that having eight children so close in age is too difficult and very crazy! Yes, it’s difficult for sure—we are always busy, and we are always counting to make sure we have everyone. But it is our life! Each child has brought their own unique gift to our family. Each sibling has their own unique relationship with the other, and it has been amazing to watch as these relationships grow.
Sometimes I'm hit with just how different our lives would be if we had never had one or another of our children. First instance, Aubree—the baby—has impacted the lives of each of her siblings in such different ways that, truly, only God could have foreseen or designed. She is our two-year-old's constant playmate; her eight-year-old brother's constant distraction, and the oldest's first real shot at independent responsibility.
She is an “always willing” audience for her oldest brother's guitar practice, the now-crawling make believe puppy dog her four-year-old brother always wanted and her six-year-old sister's latest princess-in-training. She also cracks her 10-year-old brother up!
Matt and I have the privilege to watch as these siblings grow up to be stronger individuals and stronger teams because of their relationships with each other. This is what all of those random strangers are missing when they tell us how crazy we are to have had so many children.
Don't get me wrong; they aren't always best friends, and our life is almost constant chaos. But it is usually a controlled type of chaos, and there is almost always a dance party, sing-along, basketball game in the living room and a sibling cuddle-fest happening at any given moment. Raising these little ones with the true intention of getting them to heaven is a goal that keeps Matt and me tethered to each other and to the family.
At the end of the day—no matter how long or hard it may have been—we still thank God for the honor of being allowed to call them ours.
What advice would you give to members searching for spouses?
I actually have a number of younger siblings who are still looking for spouses—some of whom are members of CatholicMatch right now. If I were to give advice to them, I would tell them to pray first and to always keep following God's will as their main goal.
I would tell them to enjoy their experience on CatholicMatch—making friends and meeting people—and not to be afraid to go out-of-state or to make the first move in emailing or contacting someone. Finally, don’t give up, because you never know when you'll meet that person that God has planned for you.
