4 Ways 'Trial Marriage' is a Really Stupid Idea

So, the hook-up generation invents "trial marriage." And it's every bit as stupid as you think it is.

While the author of that linked column above seems to think trial marriage is an innovative idea that might just "save" marriage for the next generation, in reality, the exact opposite is true. We don't save marriage by attempting to re-define it as something other than a lifelong commitment between one man and one woman; we destroy it. Here are some reasons why:

1. Permanence is an essential part of the definition of marriage, and for good reason. The Church teaches us that the call to marriage is a call to self-giving love, and that's not something that comes easily to any of us. Married life is often hard and unglamorous. If we leave ourselves the option to quit when the going gets tough … we are going to quit. If you have the opportunity to, as the column states, "formalize or dissolve the union after a two-year trial period," scores of couples are going to opt for dissolution. Let's face it. After two years of living together, romance fades, bills mount, and responsibilities multiply. The two-year mark is very likely to feel like the "perfect" time to let go of the old and try something new.

2. When marital commitment is anything less than permanent, children get hurt. We've already tried this "trial marriage" thing. Remember? We called it "no-fault divorce" and "living together," and guess who it's hurt more than anyone else? That's right, our kids. It might be politically unpopular to say so, but you can't run away from the facts. Children need married parents. The traditional institution of marriage as a permanent commitment between one man and one woman benefits all of society, and one of the most fundamental ways it does so is by creating a safe, supportive, and secure environment in which to raise the next generation.

3. Trial marriage emphasizes selfishness and personal satisfaction at the expense of true happiness. One of the saddest things in the world to me is when I hear about a couple who are getting divorced where one or both of them say, "He/she just didn't make me happy anymore." It's not your spouse's job to make you happy. In fact, it's not any person's job on the entire planet. Those of us called to married life will find personal happiness only by answering God's call to sacrificial generosity and self-giving love. Only fulfilling our life's purpose by making a gift of our very selves in this way can lead to lifelong satisfaction, fulfillment, and joy.

If you enter into marriage expecting to check in after a couple of years to ensure that your spouse "makes you happy," I've got news for you. Your marriage has already failed. There is joy in a healthy marriage, but the deep and real kind of joy that comes from living out your life's purpose—not the short-lived thrill we get from gaining the affection and admiration of another human being.

4. Marriage is an icon of God's love which is necessarily perfect, complete, and permanent. Human beings are built for bonding and relationship. Every human relationship—but especially marriage—is a reflection of the ultimate communion we are meant to have forever with our Creator.

In particular, marriage is meant to be a sign of the permanent commitment and unchanging love between Christ and the Church. The idea of a "trial marriage," however, makes a mockery of this ideal. Imagine if instead of reading in Ephesians 5, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her" we read "Husbands love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, up until He fell out of love or found somebody younger or she did not make Him happy anymore." We would see that for the meaningless nonsense it is, and we should see the same in the idea of "trial marriage."

When human beings attempt to change eternal truths to suit their whims and weaknesses, it never ends well. Not every marriage will live up to the ideal of being a beautiful bond and lifelong commitment reflective of Christ's love for the Church, but that does not mean we should re-set the standard to accommodate our failures. When we attempt to "re-define" marriage—a grace-filled sacrament and vocation instituted by the Church—we destroy its beauty, empty it of meaning, and—most ironically of all—deprive ourselves of the very happiness and personal fulfillment we seek.