Is Your Heart A Prison Or Do You Have Room For Love?

Why is it so hard to forgive those who have hurt you?

 

Does it seem like if you forgive the one who's hurt you, that person bears no responsibility? They're off the hook? That forgiving them means they are not accountable and that you will suffer alone? So many relationships – family, friends, marriages – are destroyed by an unwillingness to forgive and let go of hurt. When you don't forgive, your heart becomes a prison holding those who have hurt you hostage. 

 

Forgiveness is key if you desire personal happiness. Who wants to date someone who is wrapped up in anger and self-pity? In making yourself available for a romantic relationship, you should visit the forgiveness department of your heart, because not forgiving could be holding you back. An unwillingness to forgive has a physical, spiritual, moral, and emotional effect.

 

It has a physical effect because when you don't forgive and instead entertain thoughts of anger, resentment, or revenge, it has a physical affect on your body. The amount of energy spent on being angry plays a role in why some people suffer from exhaustion, and could cause your immune system to become depleted, leaving you susceptible to flues and viruses. The stress from being bitter and angry often results in ulcers, acid reflux, headaches, sleep deprivation, inability to concentrate, and other serious problems. 

A lack of forgiveness also has a spiritual effect because it prevents us from truly loving God and others, which defeats our purpose as human beings. Giving and receiving love is what we were created for. A priest once asked me in confession, Do you want to be in love? And of course, my answer was yes! Then he went on to ask me, How can you say that and not forgive? Your heart has little room for love - it is filled with anger and resentment for those who have hurt you. For me, that was a stinging slap across my face, but certainly one I needed, for I had to admit he was right.

 

There's also the moral effect that not being willing to forgive has, because Christ commanded us to forgive (cf. Matthew 18:35). He made it clear that anyone who did not forgive from the bottom of their hearts would suffer themselves. As we've heard in Matthew's gospel, we cannot ask God for His mercy and forgiveness for our own sins and failings, yet refuse to forgive our brothers and sisters for theirs. We need to find it within ourselves, no matter how deep the wounds are, to forgive.

 

But knowing you need to forgive is much easier than the act and this is a much bigger issue. Here are a few suggestions to help you on your way:

 

 

These three points help to address the emotional affect that not forgiving hurts has. Working on forgiveness helps to bring a healthy balance to how you feel.

 

A great book for working on forgiveness is How To Forgive Yourself And Others, by Father Eamon Tobin. I highly recommend this book.

 

Always remember that Jesus is very close to you as you work to forgive. He loves you with a passionate and never-ending love. In your journey toward forgiveness, lean on Him. Ask Him for the graces you need to detach from the hurts. He is waiting to give it to you and will not leave you alone in your suffering.