How to Help Children of Divorce Cope With the Holidays

One of the most common myths about divorce is the idea that when two parents split up, the children might be sad for a while but they eventually bounce back. They are "resilient." This could not be further from the truth, as many studies have shown, most notably the 25-year study conducted by Dr. Judith Wallerstein which is chronicled in her best-selling book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.

The truth is, children feel the same emotions adults do, and they feel them just as powerfully. Anger, confusion, anxiety, and loneliness, are the emotional wrecking balls that can cause erratic behavior in a child who is thrust into the uncertainty of a divorce scenario. The key difference between the way adults cope with grief and the way children cope with grief is that children are incapable of expressing their feelings the way adults do. Because of this, they often do not get the counseling they need to process their grief, and they end up carrying that raw, unaddressed, chaotic pain with them every day of their young lives. How do they manage? They go back to their routines, back to what they know is safe and unchanging.

But when the holidays arrive, any sense of security achieved through the structure of routine is often lost when the school schedule ends, vacations commence, and the pain of the loss of their intact family becomes even more acute. How can parents, often overwhelmed by their own need to heal, help their children get through the holidays?

Healing Little Hearts

Children, just as adults, need to be given ongoing opportunities to heal from their pain. Kids stand a far greater chance of growing up to have happy, healthy relationships if their pain is acknowledged and addressed instead of being ignored. CatholicTherapists.com, founded by Allison Riccardi, is an excellent website where you can search for a solid Catholic therapist in your area. Therapy is a great way to help kids start talking about their pain and they often feel more comfortable with an adult that is not their parent because they don’t have to worry about hurting Mom’s or Dad’s feelings with what they want to say.

What if you cannot afford professional counseling and your insurance doesn't cover it? You might then consider something home-based. Author Lynn Cassella-Kapusinski has published numerous books for children of divorce. Her most recent book and my personal favorite for helping kids cope with their parents’ breakup is When Parents Divorce or Separate: I Can Get Through This (Catholic Guide for Kids). This practical workbook is an outstanding guide for children of divorce and will provide excellent sources of conversation for you and your child.

Talking Your Way Through the Holidays

Probably the most difficult part for a child living without one of his parents is the celebration aspect of every holiday. At Thanksgiving they know they should be thankful but cannot be when their family is broken apart. The image of the Holy Family can cause more sadness than joy. These events can become a nightmare if there is a new adult in the picture... the threat of some man or woman taking his missing parent's place. Here are a few suggestions for helping your children feel as safe and happy as possible during this time:

• Accentuate the positive. Sit down with your child and come up with a list of things to be thankful for together. During Advent and Christmas talk about the hardships that Mary and Joseph went through and how despite these, Jesus became the source of their joy and that the same can be for your family.
• Leave your child love notes. These can be done anytime, of course, but especially during the holidays they can be sweet little gifts that lift their spirits and let them know they are loved. Attached to a Hershey's Kiss, they are especially welcome and appreciated.
• Make the holidays a time to build up your family. Both parents may not be present, but your time can still be very special. Do your best to have as much one-on-one time with your children without introducing a date into the scenario. Build your child's level of trust and confidence in you through mom and me outings or special time with dad.

In the end, children who are coping with divorce need to know their parents love them and won't leave them. Taking time just for them and helping them talk through their sadness and grief is an excellent way to give them what they need and get through the holidays gracefully.

Send your comments and questions to asklisa@catholicmatch.com or visit me at LisaDuffy.com.