Would You Be Happier if You Were More Like Them?

We all know this classic line uttered by the Evil Queen in the Snow White fairytale:

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

Who in this land is fairest of all?”

The Evil Queen sits in her luxurious castle, basking in her own beauty and vanity, when she asks the Magic Mirror on the Wall everyday who is fairest of them all. The answer is herself, until one day the Magic Mirror, which cannot lie, tells her it is not she but innocent little Snow White who is fairest of all. The Evil Queen is driven mad with envy and rage, plotting the murder of Snow White multiple times until her attempts lead to her ultimate demise.

What is it about the Evil Queen that makes her timeless and has seen so many renditions for over a century and a half, including the Disney classic Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? Because she is envious of what someone else has. Intuitively, we understand that this makes us quite like the Evil Queen, even if we do not go to her extreme.

Envy makes the heart grow...uglier

What’s interesting about this timeless antagonist is just how ugly she is willing to become to possess what someone else has. She disguises herself as an ugly old hag and concocts a poisonous apple that will finally put her beautiful competition to rest.

In the original Brothers Grimm fairytale, what drives the Evil Queen from beautiful to ugly is that, “envy and pride grew ever greater, like a weed in her heart, until she had no peace day and night.”

She compares herself to Snow White, day in and day out, until it robs her of her joy. And that is evil. She compares herself to Snow White, day in and day out, until it robs her of her joy. And that is evil.

"I'll be happier if I'm more like them"

So often in life we find ourselves in comparison to another. For singles, we see others who are married and have families or in relationships, and we are not. For men, we see women who are “out of our league,” and then comes the sour taste of rejection. Women no doubt are tempted by this same trap. There will always be someone more beautiful or handsome. Someone more successful or richer. Someone more holy. Someone more charming. The comparison knows no end.

The ones you compare yourself to are not you. They don’t have the same life experiences, or genetics, or talents, or strengths. So comparing yourself to another really becomes a fruitless task, because it robs you of your joy. Just like it did with the Evil Queen. When we give in to this trap, we don’t let the fruit of the Holy Spirit take hold.

It's time to start living in the Spirit

"the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace…If we live in the Spirit, let us also follow the Spirit.” —Galatians 5:22-25

As we see in Galations 5, St. Paul tells us that the spirit of joy is evidence the Holy Spirit lives within us. Its opposite is the heaviness that comes with seeing yourself as inadequate, or in the Evil Queen’s case, lacking what someone else has.

“For the flesh has desires against the Spirit” —Galatians 5:17

So how do you make room for the Holy Spirit?

Identify the trap: “Assessing” others’ qualities, desiring something that you see someone else has, or perceiving that someone else attains to some standard you do not see in yourself. These are some examples.

Remind yourself: You are not them. And they are not you. You know all your faults and have to look at yourself in the mirror everyday, but only get to see brief “snapshots” of them. Chances are your perception of others is not the full picture anyway.

“Catch” the thought: And then visualize yourself dashing it against the foot of the cross. Ask Jesus for forgiveness.

Ask for a new spirit: Ask the Holy Spirit to open your heart and make room for a new spirit, one that does not desire what you do not have. Ask for healing from the habit of comparison. Ask for desires of virtue instead.

Practice gratitude: Ask God to show you the qualities He has already given you. Write them down. There are many more qualities to be grateful for than just the ones we pigeon hole ourselves into obsessing over. Give thanks for the qualities you do have.

Living in the rut of comparison is subtle, but it’s a joy killer and can easily turn into envy. It takes your focus off all that is good and true and falls in love with its own invention. There is so much to be thankful for, and in the end, it’s a fruitless task to covet what you do not possess. Instead, focus on the mental habits that will make way for joy.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” —Philippians 4:8