“Will you be my marble jar friend?”
When Katherine received those words in a text from London, it was the confirmation of everything she’d been experiencing since first meeting Jeffery on CatholicMatch in January 2016, and indeed throughout her life going back some ways before that. God had been preparing her for her vocation for years, and now she was finding it at last.
“Would I have been ready for Jeff any sooner?” she wondered. “Probably not. God’s timing truly is the best.”
Katherine's life started to change even before she met Jeffery, when she discovered Daring Greatly.
A key factor for her was discovering the works of psychologist Brené Brown and her book Daring Greatly. Katherine found the lessons in that book perfectly suited to her own situation, and with the help of a silent retreat she set about applying them to her life.
In particular, the book helped her find the courage to sign up for CatholicMatch in order to leave herself open to meeting ‘the one.’ Though she didn’t end up going on many dates, she felt comforted that she was showing up, ‘in the arena’ in the words of Theodore Roosevelt (as quoted by Dr. Brown).
It was because she was "showing up" that she met Jeffery.
At the time, she was 30 and he was 28. She was attracted to his open mind, commitment to service, and his love of the Eucharist. Jeffery, for his part, found her taste in music and her profession as a teacher engaging. Her profile pictures were intriguing as well.
After exchanging a few messages, they decided to meet for coffee. Katherine looked radiant, and Jeff was a perfect gentleman. They were amazed at how easy it was to talk to each other, and only wished they could have done so longer. As he was walking her to her car, Jeff asked for a second date after he got back from London.
Turns out, their second date was going to be a mite sooner than they had planned.
Katherine’s father had suffered from a bone infection for years, and not long after their first date it flared up suddenly again, putting him in the hospital. Though she had a strong support system of family and friends and didn’t want him to feel he had to do anything, Katherine called Jeff to let him know what had happened. He placed himself completely at her service and volunteered to bring her dinner.
“It was a bit odd fixing my hair in the mirror of the hospital room while waiting for the doctor to see my dad,” she mused upon reflection.
Their second date impressed her with the same qualities she’d seen on the first: Jeff was natural, giving, and open, and she could completely be herself with him.
Jeff, for his part, was amazed at what he saw in Katherine: the sheer goodness and wonder of who she was. “For a brief period, I thought she was too good to be true,” he said. “She really is that good.”
"Will you be my marble jar friend?"
The day he left on his trip to London, Jeff sent her a message with a photo of his new copy of Daring Greatly, which he’d picked up in the airport gift shop. When he touched down at Heathrow, he texted her those perfect words: “Will you be my marble jar friend?”
She understood what it meant as well as he did. The idea was that they would each have a jar, and every time the other did something honorable, generous, or supportive, they would add a marble. Every time the other did something underhanded or selfish, a marble would come out.
It was a way of committing to each other, of saying “you can trust me.”
Later, those words would end up engraved inside the engagement ring Jeff placed upon her finger.
Though both think the other just shy of perfect, challenges have inevitably appeared in their relationship. Their temperaments, whether seen through the lens of the four classical types or the Meyers-Brigg system, are very different.
Jeff is an introvert, Katherine an extrovert. Though the relation between the two improves both, it also is a source of stress and challenge: she needs time with her friends and he needs time alone to keep them sane. “It took us a little while to figure this out,” Katherine admitted.
Likewise, their eating habits are a source of friction; Jeff is a vegetarian, Katherine loves her meat. This makes cooking meals a bit of a challenge and sometimes requires a bit of sacrifice on Katherine’s part. Though it also means that Jeff can always put her in a good mood by bringing her a bouquet of beef jerky.
They both agree on the importance of finding your flavor.
“Everyone’s vocation story has a unique flavor and fingerprint of its own,” Katherine commented, looking back over their relationship (the couple met in January 2016, got engaged in September 2016, and got married in February 2017). “Which is why knowing how to listen to your heart is key.”
Throughout their dating and later married life, Jeff and Katherine have found the best attitude they can have is simply to show up ready to do the work, to strive to be present to each other every day in their totality: heart, mind, body, and soul.
It is not the end result that matters so much as simply being there, putting in the work, and entering the arena together day after day, knowing that each is completely there for the other.
“Being in his presence feels like home,” Katherine concludes. “He is definitely my best friend!”
