How to Be Open to Love

“I’ve skied steep slopes and hung from a rock face by a short length of rope, but staring into someone’s eyes for four silent minutes was one of the more thrilling and terrifying experiences of my life. I spent the first couple of minutes just trying to breathe properly. There was a lot of nervous smiling until, eventually, we settled in,” shared Mandy Len Catron in a January 9, 2015 New York Times article, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This.” Catron, was testing the technique of psychologist Arthur Aron who had succeeded in making two strangers fall in love in his laboratory. How did he do it? By asking the two strangers to answer a series of 36 questions and then stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes. 

CatholicMatch Institute contributor, Lori Hadacek Chaplin, just wrote about this experiment in her post, Can Gazing Into Someone’s Eyes for 4 Minutes Make You Fall in Love? And recently, in one of my master’s courses, I received a similar homework assignment.

We had to look into the eyes of another person for five minutes. The challenge was based from a 20^th century philosopher, Dietrich Von Hildebrand, who defined love as “a response to the unique preciousness of another.” Our assignment didn’t have a romantic focus, but was a practical way to understand and value the human dignity of another person.

When I read the assignment, I immediately felt uncomfortable. I thought of every excuse to try to avoid this task. Then I thought about if there was an easier way to complete it. What about gazing into the eyes of a cute baby? There is nothing scary about looking into the eyes of my nieces or nephews—if I can get them to sit that long.

After making excuses and trying to find a loophole I realized I had to figure out why the assignment triggered feelings of discomfort. Catron explains, “I know the eyes are the windows to the soul or whatever, but the real crux of the moment was not just that I was really seeing someone, but that I was seeing someone really seeing me.” And that is when I understood my fear. It wasn’t a fear of awkwardness for staring at someone for five minutes, but the vulnerability I felt at someone looking at me. What would they see? Would my eyes reveal too much?

I asked a good friend if she would sit with me for this unique assignment. We sat across the table from each other and I set the timer on my phone. I let out a deep sigh and we began. I looked at my friend, but in my head I was thinking: Wow, this is so awkward! I would try to clear my thoughts and focus, but then I would think: Five minutes is so long! I continued to gaze at my dear friend and I suddenly felt the vulnerability of which I was so afraid. It was a fear of letting someone else in. It was the fear of showing my brokenness, my flaws—and even my blemishes. Everyone would know that I wasn’t perfect.

My daily efforts to appear perfect and polished left me cold and untouchable. But in these five minutes (that felt like a lifetime), I allowed myself to be seen. I allowed my friend to see me for who I really am—even with all my imperfections and brokenness. Even though it was scary, I allowed my heart to open.

When the buzzer finally went off I felt relieved, but also surprised because it was over faster than I expected. As we sat and discussed our experiences of the experiment, I realized that we reached a deeper level of trust and understanding with each other.

When we allow our hearts to be opened we open ourselves to the opportunity to love. By letting others love us we let God into our hearts too.