Are You Sure You're Ready For Marriage?

During a recent radio interview I was asked what I thought about the recent statistics that reveal more than half of the adult population in this country is unmarried.

The usual reasons came to mind. People focus on their careers. Pre-marital sex is no longer taboo. Traditional marriage and monogamy are under attack by the culture at large. But something else popped into my head. I wondered if there was a significant number of people are who are simply unprepared for marriage, even though they want to be married. And I wondered if part of the reason for that lack of preparation is the false belief that “time passing” = “growth.”

I can remember over the years, through my twenties and thirties, being asked two questions: “Why aren’t you married?” and “When do you think you’ll get married.” I usually answered, “I’m not ready yet” to the former and “when I’m ready” to the latter.

Years passed but I never got any more ready for marriage. In fact, I think I became even less ready than I was in my twenties. How could that be the case? I always had it in the back of my mind that I would be married someday. I spent a fair amount of time thinking and journaling about it, especially in my thirties. And yet, I did not seem to be moving toward marriage, even after I started online dating. I searched online for five years before I met the woman who would become my wife (here on CatholicMatch). I was 45 years old, but in many ways I still wasn’t ready. Oh, I was ready enough. But just enough. Just enough to take the plunge.

I say I was just ready enough because immediately after I was married I faced anxiety over the culture shock of marital life and realized I wasn’t really ready at all. But that’s okay, because you’re never really ready anyway. But you have to be ready to grow. You have to be ready to give up your independence and live in a world that does not revolve around you, your comfort, or your feelings about how things should be.

I was not really ready for any of that. For the roughly two decades between leaving home and getting married I lived in a state of almost perpetual self-focus. I sought comfort whenever possible. I thought about myself and what I wanted out of life, and I made most of my decisions based on the idea of the perfect life. My feelings became a barometer and I valued my intuition as a reliable guide much of the time. I contemplated things. I ruminated. I kept journals. I lived pretty much carefree. But I did not grow. Time was passing, but I was not working on the skills or the mindset of being in a life-long relationship. I was not living, or forging meaningful relationships, or venturing out of my comfort zone.

I never really learned to sacrifice for the good of someone else, and I learned to avoid things that irritated me by spending most of my time on my own, doing things I wanted to do, and seeking out company when it suited me.

And all the while time passed, and I didn’t grow.

When I reverted to my faith (about 6 years before I met my wife), I began to make a few changes. My focus shifted somewhat toward God. I can look back now and see that he was preparing me for marriage. I dragged my heels quite a bit, and I made the mistake of molding my faith into a comfortable, self-focused affair. After all, that was what I was used to. I did grow a little, as I said. Just enough to recognize my future wife when I met her. Just enough to be willing to step into marriage after a two-month courtship. I had grown enough to realize she was the one, but not enough to make the transition smoothly.

I know God made the transition uncomfortable for a reason. I needed that discomfort in order to change and grow. I honestly believe I would still be single if I had not answered the call of my faith.

I know there are a multitude of reasons as to why any one person might be single. When the time comes along, when the right person comes along, make sure you are prepared. No matter what our vocation is we must remember that “time passing” does not equal “growth.”  We need to keep growing, no matter how difficult it is.

That’s equally true during marriage (or any vocation). As I near the two-year mark I can see where I am falling short, and I can tell that it is time for a renewed effort. I thank God every day that my wife is blessed with patience.

I invite you to spend some time reflecting on the ways that you can become the best version of yourself so you will be ready to meet your spouse.