Brenda-Lea, from San Antonio, Texas, joined CatholicMatch in October of 2013 shortly after her husband died. “I was searching for a grief group and came across one in the CatholicMatch forums. In order to participate, I had to become a member of CatholicMatch. I met several very nice gentlemen and had some wonderful conversations and friendships.”
Despite Brenda-Lea’s resistance, something more serious was around the corner. In May of 2014, she came across Patrick’s profile, but she didn’t read it because she noticed that he smokes—strike one! He lives in Dallas—strike two! His name is Patrick—strike three! “My son’s name is Patrick, my son-in-law’s name is Patrick, my cousin’s name is Patrick, and there was no way that I was going to have another 'Patrick' in my life. God must have laughed.”
On June 4, 2014, she happened across a profile that looked familiar. When she clicked on it, she saw that it was Patrick. "This time I was drawn to read his profile and story. God put such a longing and stirring in my heart toward this beautiful, grieving man. Our stories, lives, goals, and dreams were nearly identical! I had been praying that God would prepare a man for me and allow me to continue in the vocation of matrimony,” she says.
She sent Patrick Allen (She calls him by his first and middle name since there are so many “Patricks” in her family) a Happy Birthday wish not really expecting a reply because his profile stated that he was not interested in a long-distance relationship. “He replied to me with a long, beautiful email. He was very direct and to the point.”
Giving a Long-Distance Relationship a Second Chance
Even Though Patrick Allen didn’t want a long-distance relationship (Dallas is 300 miles from San Antonio) because he had had a previous long-distance relationship that ended badly, he continued to correspond with Brenda-Lea because he liked what she had said in her profile. This led to phone conversations and Skyping. Because the couple were both early-rises, they began a habit of meeting on Skype at 4:00 a.m. to begin their day by saying the Rosary together.
“We had very similar circumstances. She had kissed her husband goodbye in the morning and come home to find him dead of a heart attack. We were both still grieving but had gotten to the point where we were ready to explore moving on with life. Both of us had and have a deep prayer life and were involved in our parishes. She is in the music ministry, and I am a catechist. Our social and political views are similar. It seemed to me that we were getting to know each other very well,” Patrick recalls.
He couldn't help but give long-distance dating another chance because his relationship with Brenda-Lea was blossoming. He asked her if he could meet her in person.
Brenda-Lea’s Vow
“When Patrick Allen said that he wanted to come to San Antonio to meet me, my heart sank!”
After her husband of 41 years died, Brenda-Lea had vowed to dedicate her life to God’s will and to remain chaste and celibate until he blessed her with another husband or a different vocation. “I wore a chastity ring as a reminder of my vow. My son offered to be my protector, and when I was ready to start dating again, he offered to speak with the gentlemen to determine where their hearts truly were and what their intentions were. The first couple of gentlemen that asked me for a face-to-face disappeared when I asked them to meet with my son first. That told me a lot about where their hearts were.”
Brenda-Lea feared that Patrick Allen would disappear like the others. “But when I told him that he would need to talk with my son before we could meet face-to-face, he asked me when we could set up the meeting. My heart soared!”
They arranged for him to meet with Brenda-Lea’s son on a Friday night. It was a long day for Patrick Allen because the couple met for their usual 4 am Skype prayer time, he worked a full day at his job, and then drove five hours to San Antonio. Around 9 pm, he met Brenda Lea’s son at the local Mall. “They talked for almost two hours! Patrick Allen had not only won my heart but the respect of my son,” she beams.
“She introduced me to her mother (Brenda-Lea's elderly mother lives with her), and then Brenda-Lea and I sat down and talked for several hours,” Patrick recalls.
The next morning, they started the day with coffee and the morning Rosary. “As we sat there facing each other, knee to knee he had his head bowed, and God put this thought on my heart… I could spend the rest of my life with this man. We shared stories and tears and laughter. We talked about what we were looking for in our futures. We decided to go to the River Walk in San Antonio since he had never been there. As we walked, we came across Dirty Nellie’s Piano Bar. We decided to stop for a glass of tea. As we sat on the patio, Patrick Allen looked up at me and asked, ‘Will you marry me?’ I didn’t even hesitate with my ‘Yes,'” she says.
“Very sudden? Yes and no.” Patrick Allen explains, “We had been talking for three weeks every day, usually for an hour or more. I am 61, and I was married for 41 years; she is 59 and was married for 37 years: we both know who we are and what we were looking for.”
A week later, on July 4 Patrick Allen was back in San Antonio. As the couple watched the fireworks, he presented her with a betrothal ring. “I gave him my chastity ring (which he still wears to this day). I was filled with such a peace that I hadn’t felt in a very long time.”
Challenges
Because their relationship moved so fast, their families were very skeptical. “I realized that God had placed this man in my life for a reason and that we were equally yoked. There was no logical reason that we could come up with to not set a date and get married. Also, neither one of us believes in a long engagement.”
Besides resisting family members, the couple faced two other big challenges: one of them would be required to move, and that person would have to find a new job.
“Since I lived with my mom and cared for her, it wouldn’t be feasible for me to move. I also work for my son in a newly formed company and was not free to leave at this crucial time. Patrick Allen said that he would be the one to relocate to San Antonio and would look for a job down here,” she says.
As it turned out, he did not have to look for another job. When he told his supervisors that he would be leaving their employment in December because he was getting married, they offered him a ‘work from home’ position without loss of pay or time.
The couple got married on December 16, 2014, at Church of the Good Shepherd in Texas. “We chose to honor Mary together at the end of the ceremony. We led the congregation in the second decade of the Luminous Mysteries (the Manifestation at the Wedding Feast at Cana) as we knelt before the statue of the Blessed Mother. At her feet, we had placed pictures of deceased spouses as they are a deep part of our lives. The ceremony was beautiful, the church
was full, and the honeymoon trip to meet his family was amazing,” Brenda-Lea says.
Supporting One Another
“There are times that we still cry (we call them ambushes) over the loss of our first spouses. The nice thing is that we can hold on to each other and not feel threatened by their memories. Our marriage has been blessed, nurturing, and wonderful. Being human, we have our moments…being in love, we help each other get through them. Patrick Allen is my best friend, my confidant, my lover, and together we praise God and give Him glory for how good He has been to us and for how he has prepared us for each other.”
At their parish, the couple is starting a grief group to minister to people who have lost loved ones.
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