Married on July 1, 2017, Melanie, 38, and Dan, 48, from Denver, Colorado, are a true case of opposites attracting. They don’t share much in common, but they enjoy being together and seeing the world through another lens. Though both of them are committed Catholics, their dissimilarities even extend to different Rites. Melanie is Eastern Catholic and embraces the Byzantine liturgy and ritual, and Dan is a Roman Catholic who attends daily Mass. Melanie and Dan shared their love story and some of the ins and outs of juggling two different traditions practically and canonically.
Why did you decide to join CatholicMatch?
Melanie: I'd moved to Denver in the fall of 2015 for business school, and I'd finally settled into my routine. I had done online dating back in D.C., but honestly, I'd sort of despaired of finding “the one” back in Virginia, but I had committed to giving dating one more try in this new city.
Dan: I joined CM many years ago, and I just didn't have any luck finding anyone. So, I let my subscription lapse, and after many years of being on other websites, doing local speed dating events, and trying other avenues to meet someone, the light came on, and I thought, “Hey, maybe I should give CM another try.”
Did you have any frustrations with or preconceived ideas about online dating?
Melanie: I know several friends who'd met their husbands online—but I knew it could sometimes be the "luck of the draw" and could also be a serious investment of time.
Dan: The one other Catholic website I belonged to just didn't have many local people—most of the members were on the East Coast and far away. It was tough to meet someone local, and I was somewhat hesitant to get into a long-distance relationship. The other frustration, which I'm sure everyone shares, is when you see someone you're interested in, reach out to them, and then they don't respond at all! It's just disheartening and disappointing.
How long were you a member before meeting online?
Melanie: I had only joined a month or so before Dan and I first made contact.
Dan: I had renewed my subscription a few months before making contact with Melanie.
Who made first contact?
Dan: I believe I did.
Melanie: He emailed me the sweetest initial email on New Year's Day (2016) writing that he'd "love to start off the new year getting to know [me]."
What attracted you to one another?
Dan: For me, Melanie was obviously highly intelligent, which I found attractive. I liked her profile photos, and she seemed like a sweet and honest person.
Melanie: Dan's faith is strong. I found that extremely attractive and also a bit intimidating. My faith is very important to me as well, but it's unusual (for me) to find a man whose devotion exceeded my own. Also, he was honest and transparent and vulnerable without even realizing he was. I could tell Dan was not a serial online dater, or (on the opposite end) someone completely awkward who wouldn't know how to put two words together. I also loved that he was well-read, employed in a field about which I knew nothing (engineering), and liked being outdoors (although I had a slight bias against mountain bikers at the time).
One of the most important things I liked was the fact that Dan was a grownup—he had his act together. He didn't live with his mom; he owned his own home, he was established in his career and living a full life.
What was your first date like?
Dan: We met on June 7, 2016, at an upscale bar and grill not too far from Melanie's apartment. We finally scheduled that date after what seemed like a long series of emails and texts. We decided to meet there, and Melanie had just come from some other meeting, and I had come from work. I got there a few minutes before Melanie, so I was seated out our table, just waiting for her to come. She came up from behind me, which I was not expecting, and gave me the warmest, sweetest hello and welcome, which made me feel good and at peace. We had a nice dinner, chatted about our families and lots of normal first date conversation, but it was good. I remember thinking as we departed that she could be the one.
You must have a few things in common?
Dan: Well, a love for the outdoors, and even though our traditions weren't exactly aligned, there was still a common thread, right, with our Catholic faith?
Melanie: I heard from others that having tons in common is less important than one might initially assume. That’s proven true through our dating life and now as a married couple. But we do love to go hiking together—that was and still is one of our favorite dates.
[They forgot to mention that they love to sing together.]
Did you have any relationship hurdles to overcome?
Melanie: One was time; Dan’s had his evening routines of working out, volunteering, and holy hours for years. I was in school full time, so figuring out how to spend time together was sometimes difficult. Also, figuring out how we live out and practice our faith is an ongoing learning process [expanded on in last two interview questions].
How did Dan propose?
Melanie: I had wanted to go stargazing in the Rocky Mountains for quite some time, and Dan suggested we do so on New Year’s Eve 2016. I thought it was a great idea and was hoping he’d use that occasion to propose. Well, I’d been hoping for over a month that he’d use any occasion to propose. But when I asked Dan where he’d made dinner reservations, I found out he hadn’t made any! I thought there was no way he was thinking engagement. Who would plan a proposal and forget to make dinner reservations?
So, I made a last-minute reservation at a nearby lodge. After dinner, we went to a nearby Catholic Church and walked a small way into the woods where they have Stations of the Cross. Dan had already scoped out the perfect spot, and we sat down with our chairs and blankets and hot beverages. (I was freezing even though I was wearing all my cold weather gear from my recent climb up Mount Kilimanjaro.)
After almost an hour, looking at the night sky, Dan suggested we sing a hymn, "Creator of the Stars of Night." And then he got on one knee, sang again just for me, and proposed. We had a quick kiss, and I took off one glove as he produced a ring from his pocket, but then we hightailed it for the car—we were both virtually frozen at that point!
Considering you are from different Rites, how did you work out the wedding ceremony?
Dan: We were married on July 1, 2017, after a six-month engagement. Yes, it was fast, but the timing and the wedding planning all worked out well. Melanie’s pastor, a Byzantine Catholic priest, married us at the Roman Catholic Cathedral where I have been a parishioner for years. The ceremony was a Byzantine Catholic ceremony and so was completely new and different for almost all of our guests and me. The front of the sanctuary was adorned with icons of Jesus and Mary. We had lovely organ music and also had two nuns (friends of Melanie’s) that sang throughout the liturgy.
Our liturgy was a bit unique (from our current perspective in the West) in that there was a betrothal ceremony that occurred in the middle of the church before the actual marriage part of the ceremony.
Have there been difficulties with crossing over between Byzantine and Roman Rites?
Melanie: As a couple, we have had to find our way between the two rites—where are we going to church? When we pray together, are we saying Roman or Eastern prayers? This is an ongoing process for us that requires communication. We say compline/evening prayer together according to the Eastern Rite. But then we also sing a hymn, and that's either a Roman or an Eastern one—we love to sing together.
We are going to my Byzantine parish for divine liturgy on Sunday, but Dan still goes to daily mass at the Denver Cathedral. He loves to go to a holy hour on Mondays, and I occasionally join him for that. We set up an icon corner in our home according to the Eastern tradition, but we also have a statue of Mary (statues are Roman) and other Roman images around our home. Byzantine and Roman Catholics tend to fast differently from each other, so we're finding a middle ground for our fasts as well.
There are different emphases between our rites, and I am so blessed to have a husband who is willing to experiment and be open to my rite, as I learn from him and his own religious disciplines. There's room for miscommunication if you're not careful—one can assume one's own faith practices are "better." But we've been able to see the beauty in both and learn how best we can incorporate both in our home.
Canonically speaking, are your compromises okay? Is Dan meeting his Sunday obligation?
Melanie: It's a good question, and important because many Roman Catholics don't realize that it’s okay for Dan, or you, or any Roman Catholic, to participate fully in a Byzantine Catholic parish.
Does Dan need permission from his priest to go the Byzantine Rite?
Melanie: You don't need permission from your pastor to attend a Byzantine parish. Would you ask your pastor to visit Our Lady of Loretto down the street, or to attend Mass at a different Catholic parish when you're on vacation? Of course, there's no need. We look a bit different on the outside (icons, prayers, etc.), but we have the same blood running through our veins.
I think where people get confused is when they conflate Eastern Catholic churches with Eastern Orthodox churches. The big difference between the two is that Eastern Catholics are in union and friendship with the Roman Catholic church, while Roman Catholic and the Orthodox churches are not united.
Now, down the road, if Dan wanted to switch rites formally, there is a process of letter writing between the Eastern and Roman bishops, but for daily participation, that doesn't matter. You are, however, bound to obey the particular laws of your church. So, if a Byzantine church asks its parishioners to fast on Wednesdays and Fridays, and a Byzantine Catholic is still canonically Byzantine but has been attending a Roman Catholic church for a year, he’s still bound to keep the fast.
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