With apologies to Charles Dickens, let’s take a look at some helpful ways of dealing with some of the more difficult types of people we may encounter this Christmas season.
The Scrooge
This type is obvious. The Scrooge is, well, a scrooge. As Dickens put it, Scrooge was “secret, self-contained, and solitary as an oyster.” We all know someone who is, if not an actual financial miser, an emotional miser—a tightwad with forgiveness, with his love and generosity, or with himself.
Many prefer to simply let him (or her) have his way, as this creates the least anxiety. Standing up to him risks igniting his anger. Nobody should suffer abuse at the hand of an intractable Scrooge, nor should you feel that Christian charity requires you to be a doormat. The Lord tells us, "If your brother sins (against you), go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother. If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that 'every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. If he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector” (Mt 18:15-17).
Unfortunately, you can’t treat your relatives as though they were tax collectors—especially when the entire family is gathered for a Christmas reunion! Once you have admonished him in a responsible and loving way (much the way Scrooge’s nephew Fred dealt with his cranky uncle) there is not much else you can do. It is not likely that you will have enough time over the Christmas holidays to prompt a sincere conversion of the Scrooge’s heart (barring miraculous midnight visitors). Therefore, it would seem that diversionary or peace-making tactics might be in order. Give the Scrooge something to be in charge of, to keep him occupied and out of the way of small children and animals. Give him a significant project, worthy of his attention: researching Christmas customs of yesteryear, organizing Christmas caroling, orchestrating the Christmas supper, planning a museum outing for all the grandkids. Sometimes his gruff exterior hides an unspoken plea for affection. Though he appears not to need or want it, try to let him know how much you appreciate his presence and his contribution to the family or to the business. If all else fails, offer it up.
The Fezziwig
Here is the joyous, magnanimous, ebullient individual who orchestrates the big events—the parties, the gatherings, the reunions, the multi-family dinner gatherings. In his big-hearted love for the season and for family, he brings everyone together and initiates games, dancing, frivolities. If you tend to be quiet and serious, you may feel intimidated or overwhelmed by the brash Fezziwig, and you may be tempted to retreat behind a show of aloof superiority. But this often is mere envy or resentment, resulting from your failure to properly express your own thoughts or feelings. You know the goodness of his heart, but sometimes you can’t help it, you are annoyed by his good cheer. Resist this urge to be aloof, superior and ultimately alone. In other words, don’t be a Scrooge. Appreciate the Fezziwiggian charm and enthusiasm, and don’t stifle your own personality. A friend of mine was always in awe of and intimidated by her own mom, who was very capable and outgoing and loved to take charge. Her mom would steamroll into town, and start rearranging Amy’s house and her schedule, too. Once she organized a surprise birthday party—complete with a seven course dinner—for Amy’s husband! Amy was left feeling useless and ineffectual. She began to resent her mom, instead of appreciating her mom’s organizational and leadership talent. She finally had to speak up, “I really appreciate how you can pull a party together at the drop of a hat, but since you are doing it in my home, I wish that you would first ask me if this is what I want to do for Bob.” Once she felt that her own needs were acknowledged, she became more capable of appreciating her mother’s formidable talents.
Getting Along with the Fezziwig
Appreciate this person for their considerable talents in socializing, getting folks together, and putting on the big events. If you are feeling resentful, annoyed by their interference, or suspicious of their charm, ask yourself: what is going on with me, that I am resentful of someone else being the center of attention, taking charge, or running the show? Oftentimes, it is most difficult for two equally take-charge individuals to get along—primarily because they both want to take charge! This is the time to focus on the fact that we are all members of the mystical body of Christ. Nobody is perfect. We are all called to holiness, called to friendship with Christ. Let’s not waste our time being annoyed by the gifts God has given certain members. Take advantage of the Fezziwig’s considerable energy and social talent! If they are not busy enough, you will find them annoyingly underfoot, making many unwanted “why don’t you do things my way” comments. If you need to work closely with a Fezziwig, give him or her plenty to do—but do not give them trivial or boring tasks! They like the big picture, the important tasks, and the socializing. And, they don’t need to have experience. One Fezziwig I know has always been the team mom for our school swim team. But supplying snacks before meets and keeping track of the team apparel for 80 kids is not enough for someone who has her capacity for running things. She applied for a bus drivers’ license so she can drive the team bus, and now she is an assistant coach as well (without ever having swum a lap). She could probably run the meets, as well. Give these highly capable Fezziwigs sufficiently challenging opportunities to use their managerial strengths.
The Jacob Marley
Doom and gloom. The ultimate pessimist and wet blanket. In A Christmas Carol, Jacob Marley deserved the punishment he received. He was doomed to carry in the afterlife the chain he forged out of missed opportunities, grace refused, and joy denied. His mission was to warn others not to lose their souls as he had done. For our purposes, the Jacob Marley will be the one whose negativity or constant criticism eventually puts a damper on every occasion. Oftentimes these folks are actually correct in their disparaging comments and dire predictions (about the state of the world, the family, the business woes, the economy, the war, the Church, and so on). These noble individuals may have the sincere intention to hold everyone to a high standard, by making you aware of how far our country, Church, or culture (take your pick) has fallen from its original greatness. But their constant kvetching gets you down. It can also become uncharitable. A priest friend of ours said that when he was growing up, he had been inspired by his parents’ example of charity loyalty to the Church. During the seventies when many goofy activities supplanted authentic formation and true reverence, his parents always tried to point out whatever good they could find. Instead of wallowing in negativity, his parents offered to teach CCD classes, never stooping to bad mouthing the priests or bishop. His parents had instead focused on the mystical body of Christ, the Church, which, though formed of sinners, is nonetheless the one, true, Church.
Getting along with the Marley
Don’t be put off by his gruff exterior or his tendency to being a gadfly. He often has good intentions, but becomes overwhelmed by the potential problems he foresees. He cannot help but note (and yes, he does have a tendency to lecture) that Cousin Jeff’s financial problems will only become worse if he insists on running up his credit card, and the housing market is going down the tubes, tipping our whole country into a recession. Remind yourself that he is, by nature, pessimistic. After fortifying yourself with a stiff eggnog, you can try to lighten the situation with humor (but not at his expense), or agree with him and then change the subject. Sometimes a deep insecurity possesses these pessimistic folks, and the knowledge that you really do care about them and value their opinions is a necessary first step.
The Nephew (Fred Scrooge)
Admit it, you had forgotten Fred’s name. You vaguely remember that Scrooge had a pleasant nephew, but that is about it. That is the nature of this personality. Fred is forgiving, amiable, and optimistic. But he also gets the least amount of credit. You might have forgotten that he was at that big family reunion where Uncle Jack’s drinking got out of hand, and everyone left except Fred, who stayed to make sure Uncle Jack went to bed. Fred is the quiet one who makes the best out of any situation and never calls undue attention to himself. Fred sees the best in everyone, even Uncle Scrooge. He is easy to get along with, cooperative, makes peace among all the disparate friends or relatives, and joins in without making a fuss or causing a stir—whether it is helping out in the kitchen, entertaining the younger children, or going along with the activity du jour. He or she does not have to be the star of the show, the center of attention, create a sensation or stir up a melodrama. They contribute to every gathering being a success—though others may not be aware of it.
Getting along with the Fred
You don’t have trouble getting along with Fred, but you may overlook him. You might take him for granted and fail to express your gratitude for his peaceful and easy-going nature. He will not tell you this, but he sometimes feels unappreciated. He can be quiet and easily overlooked, so go out of your way to strike up a conversation with him, ask him about his life and his goals, and be enthusiastically supportive. Encourage (without pressuring) him to speak up about his own thoughts and feelings. The Fred is so amiable and willing to sacrifice his own interests, that his good ideas and his sweet personality can be overlooked.
A Christmas Carol ends happily. Scrooge learns his lesson, and reforms his life. He becomes a second father to Tiny Tim, a generous friend and employer, and a beloved uncle. Fred was finally able to bring his whole family together. Although Jacob Marley had bemoaned from beyond the grave, “No space of regrets can make amends for one life’s opportunities misused,” we learned the lesson that it is never too late.
This Christmas, we can resolve to take advantage of life’s opportunities—whether it is a cheerful smile for a neighbor, a charitable gift, or a gentle word diffusing an argument. Charles Dickens writes: “It is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child himself.”
The central point of Christmas (and of life) is love. When Saint John the Evangelist neared the end of his life, he preached but one message—love. “Little children, love one another.” And when viewed through the eyes of love, all things are possible. Even loving the Scrooge, the Jacob Marley, the Fezziwig, and Fred.
