Choleric and Phlegmatic

 This is a classic case of "opposites attracting" and is a common combination in marriage. The choleric is attracted to the peaceful, calm, and good-natured phlegmatic, while the phlegmatic is drawn to the choleric's energy and take-charge temperament, the one who comes up with all the activities and moves the relationship along. Where the choleric loves to conquer the world, the phlegmatic would just rather make peace. Where the choleric loves a good debate, the phlegmatic hates to argue--especially if it involves a personal confrontation. The choleric loves to impose his will, while the phlegmatic willingly goes along with things. Your phlegmatic will focus on relationship harmony, while the choleric will focus more on active "doing" At first, the phlegmatic learns to enjoy many new activities introduced by the choleric, but later he can become resentful if his vote never counts. Beware of overloading the phlegmatic with too many activities or demands, which the choleric may easily thrive on but which can overwhelm the phlegmatic.

The choleric probably enjoyed the feeling of running the show when first dating; but after a while, the phlegmatic's natural tendency to passivity can begin to annoy the choleric. If the choleric is a woman and the phlegmatic a man, the untypical gender roles may later have the choleric pushing and criticizing (even contemptuously) to get the phlegmatic to "step up" and be more assertive. A choleric needs to be careful not to take over every aspect of the relationship—deciding what to do, what movies they like, and what friends to have. Although the phlegmatic may go along with the choleric, he may become resentful if his own deep (and often unstated) wishes are never acknowledged. The phlegmatic is really quite sensitive (though he may not tell you this!), and the choleric partner should be careful not to inadvertently trample over the phlegmatic's feelings, while the choleric is on a "mission" or out to accomplish a goal. Overcome the temptation to just let the choleric do whatever he wants all the time. The phlegmatic should learn to express his feelings, too, and not use passive-aggressive tactics to get what he wants. Another point of disparity is that the choleric has a tendency to become a workaholic; they always want to get things done now! The phlegmatic is just the opposite, with a strong tendency to procrastinate! This can result in some arguments and difficulties in the marriage.

In a marriage, the choleric might be equally unwilling to dwell in the arena of feelings; but he should, nonetheless, be aware that the phlegmatic spouse has much more delicate feelings, which can be easily bruised by too much force or aggression. A typical difficulty in a choleric-phlegmatic marriage, is that the choleric becomes irritated by the slowness of the phlegmatic's responses, and begins to nag or push hard. This, in turn, causes the phlegmatic to withdraw and become even more passive and less confident. As a result, a vicious cycle is created, with the choleric nagging or angrily pushing, and the phlegmatic withdrawing more and more.

Be aware that the phlegmatic, while willing to follow the choleric's lead, needs to develop his or her own interests. His natural tendency to sacrifice his or her own interests in order to preserve harmony may result in the phlegmatic feeling that his talents are not respected or appreciated. Encourage the phlegmatic by positive motivation, and respect. One danger is that neither partner will reveal their deepest feelings—the choleric fearing vulnerability, and the phlegmatic fearing that his feelings will be trampled upon. Take the time to have a peaceful, romantic dinner and to explore each other's goals and desires and deepest feelings within the context of loving support. Seek out occasions to grow in intimacy in a relaxed environment.  

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